Broken, and a cast doesn't heal this one..

Sometimes you look at your life and wonder where it is going. I did that when I was a teenager but never thought I would do that at the age of 25. I thought I had it all together. Sometimes you are blindsided by things that happen in your life, that you never saw coming, you think things are going so perfectly but little do you know you are hit head on with life and you have to totally reevaluate things completely in your life.  The people you thought you knew, you realize maybe you didn't know them at all. All trust is out the window. When you think you are a strong person that can handle anything, maybe you can't handle it all. When you feel you are giving your love and support to someone, it isn't enough. Because sometimes love just isn't enough. When that bond is broken, it is really hard to build it back up again. No matter how much you are hurting, it seems like it doesn't even matter. No excuse is good enough to purposely hurt someone you love over, and over.

Love?

1 Corinthians 13:4-11

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

love

 /lʌv/ Show Spelled [luhv] Show IPA noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

–noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

To me, I want to be loved by someone who accepts me for my flaws, loves me for who I am in the good and the bad. I want to be accepted no matter what. I want to be loved unconditionally, not just partially. I want to know I have my best friend standing by my side supporting me through the good and the bad. To be loved, one wants to be appreciated, and accepted. Someone who wants to make me happy. I think love is someone who sticks by your side and opens up to you no matter what.

Most people show their love through 5 senses. Right now, I can't use all 5. Ears, Eyes, Taste, Smell and Touch. I can use my ears to listen, sometimes my eyes to see. But I can't touch, smell, taste.. and when those components are lost, sometimes a sense of the relationship feels compromised, and you feel lost and angry.



"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
- Woody Allen

Settling in

I can't believe I am only 2 months into this deployment. I guess I have settled into my groove because for the first month I was pulling everything out of closets, re organizing storage, starting flower beds, his side of the bed was always made up - it was the holder for my laptop, books, remote. And now the closets aren't so organized anymore, the flower beds aren't as pretty, the bed sometimes doesn't get made up and I sleep in the middle. I guess the one thing you never get used to or find fun is the fact your husband is gone and even though I may have the bed to myself I wish he were here to be taking up space in the bed, making messes so I could gripe at him. Military wives (and all spouses who are "left behind") are a breed of their own and can handle a lot. I am glad I was raised to be an independent woman because it has really came in handy in times like this, and I know it won't be the last time it will help out. I know throughout every time my husband and I are separated it will strengthen our relationship more and more each time. I miss my husband and Kinsley misses her Daddy very much. We are really excited to keep seeing the days pass until he comes home to us!

busy bee!

I feel like I have been so busy lately! Where should I start? We are 2 months down in the deployment, so that is some positive news. Of course we still have a while to go but we are doing the best we can! I've been trying to stay busy with Kinsley to make the time pass quickly and the days seem to pass quickly but the time that my lovely husband has been gone just seems to be dragging by. I took little Anna in to be spayed last week and poor thing still has to wear a cone on her head, but she did very well, I never thought I would be so nervous to take a dog in for a surgery! I'm glad we have doggy insurance on her because she is one expensive dog haha.
I am trying to get Kinsley into a preschool so she may be starting in April, I think it would be great for her. I am also trying to get her into swim lessons too, or some type of sports class I think she would enjoy it. I have been babysitting, and we have had doctors appointments, and  dealing with normal everyday errands. We miss Daddy so very much and can't wait until he comes home

And Honey, I miss you and I'm being good. And I'd love to be with you if only I could.

We have had a busy weekend. It has flown by for sure. Birthday parties, a Pure Romance party for me and the girls. Lots of fun. Its nice to have good friends to make my weeks and weekends pass by quickly.

I saw a quote today "What would you do, if you knew you wouldn't fail"

What would you do? My mind goes a million places on this one, I could do something for myself, for others for my family.. For myself, I would become a surgeon. I think that would be amazing. If I knew without a doubt that I would never fail in school, in my career I would most certainly become a surgeon. I just wish I had of thought of this a little sooner in life. For my family, I would do something to make us live comfortably forever. Financially. So we could just live and be happy, and not ever worry about money.  For other people, well I would love to never see one of our military (or any) be wounded or worse, or for children to go hungry or neglected and I have  wanted to start a charity to support one, or both of these things. Anyway I can support our military, and anyway I can help out a needy family. And a selfish thing I would do if I knew I wouldn't fail.. Probably become a performer.. Singer, actress something like that. Maybe these things don't seem very important to you, maybe you would want to take over the world and change it over, but I'm not trying to take over the world. I would just want to make my family happy, stress free, and hopefully be able to help out some other people as well.



But, with that being said. Each failure in my life has made me stronger, who I am today and led me down the path I am on right now and  I wouldn't change it for the world.

How do you define best friend?

      The Roman philosopher Cicero believed that in order to have a true friendship with someone, one must have complete honesty, truth, and trust. He also thought that friends would do things for each other without expectation of repayment. If a friend is about to do something wrong, one should not compromise one's morals and let the friend commit the action--one should explain what is wrong about the action, and help one's friend understand what is right. Cicero believed that ignorance is the cause of evil.

To me the defintion of a best friend is when a friend knows all of your faults, your failures, your accomplisments, your goals, your entire you because you felt confortable sharing it, has been there for you when you were down and celebrated with you when you were happy, and someone that you can count on no matter what. A best friend is someone you want to call to talk about a bad day, call to celebrate something great that happened in your life and someone who loves you for just being you.

To me, my best friend is my husband. I love him and trust him with my life. Although I do consider VERY FEW others close friends, I know my husband will always be the one I can count on, no matter what. He is the love of my life as well as my best friend and that to me is the best combination. 

One project down, many to go..

I've neglected my blog for the past few days. We had a play date at the splash park and spent the day with a friend of mine while Kinsley played with one of her friends, and yesterday I finally picked up most of everything I needed to finish my flower bed. I got it completed except for re-potting the plants since I ran out of potting soil but the flower bed looked decent. I still have one more flower bed to finish up. I think I realized why housing won't let us plant into the ground.. I was digging to pull up weeds and to have a stable place to put the bricks and there are so many roaches living in the dirt. YUCK. Scummiest bugs ever. I really am not sure their purpose on earth except to gross me out. Tomorrow is Friday and I hope to take Kinsley to do somethings this weekend since I've been falling short in doing lots of fun things with her away from our home. Maybe we can go to the beach and go get shaved ice or something fun. Anyway, here is a picture of my flower bed, can't wait to get my other one finished up!

The silent ranks

The Silent Ranks

I wear no uniforms,
 No blues or army greens.
But I am in the military
In the ranks rarely seen.
I have no rank upon my shoulders.
Salutes I do not give.
But the military world
Is the place where I live.

I am not in the chain of command,
Orders I do not get.
But my husband is the one who does,
this I cannot forget.
I am not the ones who fires the weapon,
who puts my life on the line.
But my job is just as tough.
I am the one that is left behind.

My husband is a patriot,
A brave, a prideful man
And the call to serve his country,
 Not all understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed
to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice,
but so do our kids and me.

I love the man I married,
Soldiering is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks
know as the Military Wife.

In Honor of My Husband 

I really don't feel like a lot of times military spouses are given the credit they deserve, and I really liked this poem. I thought it was a great portrayal. Sometimes you can't explain the things you go through on a day to day basis, especially while your husband is away, but it isn't easy. I give lots of credit to those who have done it for years and years. 

Changing tunes a little, I finally got my taxes done with the help of a friend. Thank goodness I didn't submit my forms to the first two sites I was trying to use! Also Kinsley said the sweetest thing today.. We were walking out of the commissary and it was raining.. She covered her head with one hand, and mine with the other (she was in the shopping cart) and I told her not to worry about me to cover her head! She said "No Mommy, that's ok, I have two hands :)" She is so sweet. Even though she drives me nutty I am so blessed and happy to have her, especially with Tony not being here. She really keeps me entertained. 

I also got a box from Tony that I cannot wait to open. I can't tell where it is from yet but I can't wait to open it all up next time I get to Skype with him.

To have kids you must have thick skin.

Or to have my daughter you do. She is brutally honest, and knows how to push my buttons and how to try and push me to see what she can get away with. I know she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings with some of the things she says, because what 4 year old knows how to hurt feelings? But she told me today "Mom, I don't like that stuff on your face" and I said "Kinsley, what stuff?" although I knew exactly what she was talking about, considering I had just washed my makeup off. She said "those polka dots" which is her name for just about any boo-boo. I was like, great, if SHE notices and she is 4 then everyone else must be staring!

She is a very well behaved kid most always, but she knows how to test her limits. Since Tony has been gone she has been doing just that. Sometimes I don't like to be the bad guy, and right now I hate being the bad guy since I ALWAYS have to be the bad guy, but she is just testing me and testing me. I feel like my patience is worn thin always and I wish it weren't. Its 11:48, she still isn't asleep, and for once I put her to bed early since we got back in town- trying to get back on our good schedule. She just refuses to go to sleep. Its one excuse after another. "Mommy, i'm hungry, Mommy, I have to potty. Mommy, my legs itch, MOMMY... " How am I supposed to relax here?!

I guess this is what being a parent is all about. Kind of makes me feel sorry for my parents at times. But I know I wasn't that stubborn when I was a kid, there is just no way!

Kinsley and I didn't do much today. I cleaned while her and Anna played and I watched some of the superbowl while she watched Alvin and the Chipmunks. I feel asleep - the Hawaiian rain will do that to ya. I got up and we had spaghetti for dinner and we had to get out in the nasty rain to buy milk for breakfast in the morning.

I am laying here drinking my "Sleepy Time" tea - yes, its really tea, no hidden messages there on the 5th time of putting Kinsley back in her bedroom. Hopefully she will fall asleep soon, and I'm sure I will too.

My heart is thousands of miles away

I have had this blog for quite a while now and I haven't kept up with it. I thought I would start it up since my husband is deployed so he can keep up with it, and also so my family and friends can keep up with it as well. I also think it will be a good outlet for me to write. I had an online journal once before and I miss it! Tony has been gone one month today. We really miss him. It's sad to think how many men and women go without their partners over this war, but I am so proud of my husband for what he does for our family and this country.
Since he has been gone Kinsley and I went to Georgia to visit. We had a good time. It snowed about 10 inches while we were there. That was a huge change from the tropical and 80 degree daily weather. She loved playing in the snow and building snowmen and making snow angels. I really enjoyed seeing my family. You really take family for granted when you have them around all of the time so I am happy I got to see them while I was in town along with the few true friends that made an attempt to see me. Its weird how when we made the jump to military life how it seemed we lost friends, but that's okay because we gained so many amazing friends who understand more of the things we go through.
I am not sure what I would do here if I didn't make friends. When we first moved here I wasn't sure I was going to make that many friends now I look and see the friends I do have are such wonderful people and really help me when I need it. It is such a comforting feeling, especially when my husband is thousands and thousands of miles away.

Well, I hope to keep up with this blog so my wonderful husband can keep up with the shenanigans of mine and Kinsley daily activities as well as my family and friends.

Also, I had an idea to start doing diaper cakes to make a little extra money, I did my second one today with the help of my wonderful friend Dawn since I waited until the last minute as usual and here is how it turned out...

If you actually read this.. I love you Tony!